Recovering From Family Estrangement

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There are people who are thoroughly selfish – who see the world in purely transactional terms, as a series of experiences that do or don't benefit them. Such people make toxic friends, unreliable partners, and destructive parents.

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That is not you.

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If that were you, you wouldn't be reading these words, looking for some way to cope with the unbearable pain of estrangement from your son or daughter.

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Family estrangement occurs more often than many realize. Nearly one in three Americans is living with an active estrangement,* yet almost nobody talks about it. Unlike a death, this loss doesn't come with permission to grieve openly. It is too often cloaked in silence and shame, marked by a chair that's empty by someone else's choice. If this has happened to you, you're not alone, and you're not crazy for finding it so hard.

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This site confronts the hard realities of these breakdowns. At the end of each section, you will find questions designed to help you examine and navigate your own healing process. Questions like these:

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Who in your life knows about this estrangement, and who doesn't? What shaped the decision of whom to trust with it?

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Is there a story you've been telling the outside world that differs from what's actually happening? Is concealment helping or hurting you?

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Have you given yourself permission to grieve this loss the way you would a death? If not, would it help you to do so?

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What would it mean to you if this silence turns out to be permanent?

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* Pillemer, Karl. Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them, Avery, 2020.​​​​​

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