What IFS Can Do for You – Part 2: Unblending and the Self

In Part 1, we looked at the basics of Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy—how our inner world is made up of parts like managers, firefighters, and exiles. Each part has a purpose, usually to protect us from pain. But if all we do is live through our parts, we can feel stuck in cycles of perfectionism, avoidance, or distraction. The next step in IFS therapy is learning how to unblend from the parts and connect with something deeper: the Self.

What Does It Mean to “Unblend”?

When we are “blended” with a part, it feels like the part is us. The critic’s harsh voice feels like our real voice. The impulsive urge to drink, shop, or pick a fight feels like our only option. In reality, these are only parts of us—not our whole being.

Unblending means stepping back enough to notice the part without becoming it. Instead of saying, “I am worthless,” we might learn to say, “A part of me feels worthless.” That small shift changes everything. It creates space for curiosity and compassion instead of shame and judgment.

The Role of the Self

In IFS, the Self is not another part. It is who we are at our core—calm, compassionate, creative, confident, and connected. Dr. Richard Schwartz describes the Self as the natural leader of our internal system. The goal of therapy is not to destroy or silence our parts, but to help them trust the leadership of the Self.

When the Self is in charge, we don’t need managers to push us to perfection or firefighters to drown our pain. The parts can relax, knowing they are seen, appreciated, and no longer carrying the burden alone.

How Therapy Helps Us Get There.

Unblending isn’t easy on our own. Parts are often scared to let go because they’ve been doing their job for so long. In therapy, the process usually looks like this:

1. Notice the Part. Pay attention to thoughts, urges, or emotions without judgment.

2. Get Curious. Ask: What is this part trying to do for me? What is it afraid would happen if it stepped back?

3. Show Compassion. Instead of fighting or shaming the part, thank it for its service. Even the part that overeats or spends compulsively has been trying to protect you.

4. Invite the Self Forward. As the part begins to trust, you get more access to your core Self. That’s when deep healing begins.

Through this process, even exiles—the wounded parts holding painful memories—can finally be welcomed, heard, and healed.

A Different Way of Seeing Ourselves.

The biggest gift of IFS therapy is that it changes the way we see ourselves. Instead of asking, “What’s wrong with me?” we begin asking, “What part of me is hurting, and what does it need?” Instead of battling against our own minds, we start building a compassionate inner relationship.

Over time, this practice creates freedom. We are no longer trapped in compulsive cycles or silenced by critical voices. We can live from our Self—calm, connected, and whole.

Here if you need me.

Thomas Wood, LCSW