Most people would like to achieve a reconciliation with their estranged family member. People may hope for a “return to normal” – meaning how things used to be. That’s unlikely, because time changes us all. You will need to find a new “normal,” and that can take time. This process includes its own flavor of anxiety; the slightest misstep will bring fear of renewed estrangement.

​

As you heal, long stretches of genuine peace sometimes will be interrupted by unexpected surges of grief, often because of an event such as the holidays, a wedding, a birth, or a death. The pain at these times doesn't mean you haven't made progress. It's a sign that you loved someone, and still do.

​

Even without reconciliation, a full and meaningful life is possible. New routines take hold, with deeper friendships and new-found interests. Healing doesn’t mean the wound is gone; it means that it doesn’t stop you from living happily today.

​

At some point, you've done what you can do. You've examined yourself honestly, made whatever amends were possible, and reached an equilibrium, either with the relationship or with its absence. Life goes on and gets better – sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. You are not building a life without the loss. You are creating a life large enough to hold the loss while leaving room for joy.

​​

​​

Questions to Explore

What do you do with the grief when it returns at a life event or the holidays? Do you accept it and move through it, or avoid it and push it away?

How has your life changed since the estrangement happened? What's filling the space?

Is there anything you want your child to know about how you're doing, even if you'll never be able to tell them?

​​

​